Lucky Me
I couldn't have picked a better time to be pregnant. In some weird way, it's "in style" to be properly knocked up at this exact era in history. Stretchy leggings and billowy dresses relieve my need to retreat into a fashion-retarded maternity section. "Baby Mama" is a tasteless stigma no more, but
de riguer in today's daddy-less society.
While my counterparts suffered as young moms whose timing was less forgiving, I have the equivalent of a Birkin bag in my belly. (I shudder at the comparison as well, dear readers, but being prego gets you more press than shaving your head)
For Nicole Ritchie, it's a wake-up call to stop mixing Vicodin with weed and driving the wrong way down a freeway.
For Christina Aguilera, it's another one-up over Britney for doing things the "right" way.
For Halle Berry, it's revenge to her dumb ass beta-male of an ex-husband for his infidelity, by mixing her superior genes with that of a much younger Canadian model.
And for me, it became a welcome reason to be less self-centered. No more worrying about who's talking shit about who, or what dude/broad is faking the funk. No more bitchfests about the adventures of casual dating with its eventual disappointments. And luckily for me, peace of mind about how ready I am to bring life into this world with a supportive partner, an even better sex life, and a baby who can somehow execute the magnificent feat of turning all my bitterness into beauty.
But don't get me wrong, pregnancy has a curious effect on people around you. It throws their modem out of whack, and puts you in some awkward situations with questions like "Was it planned?" or, for him, "Congrats...um...you're the father, right?"
So I've compiled a list of DO's and DON'ts for the rest of the world not hip to this trend of parenting. I've been guilty of these transgressions as well, and hope these tips prove informative and preventative of behavior that is unconsciously insensitive, and often borderline offensive, starting with number one...
DO Ask if she minds her belly being rubbed! It's a subconscious gesture we often do, but some women do not like to be groped, especially by complete strangers. Although personally, I find it endearing with those I am familiar, many find it to be invasive
and downright rude. And with our belly's growing conspicuousness, can you imagine someone grabbing your spare tire while grinning like an idiot? Makes you a little self-consious.
DON'T Mention how big she is getting. Yes, we look in the fucking mirror every day at our exponentially-growing waistline, so we know. You don't have to ignore the bump, but any exclamation of surprise about the size of our belly is off-putting and cannot be easily chased by, "...but you're beautiful." Fuck. You.
DO Tell her how pretty she is whenever you can. A woman's mind goes through serious misgivings about never having her perky, young body back, but it's the most unselfish sacrifice a woman can make in this society of the beauty-and-botox-obsessed.
DON'T Share your labor horror stories, even in jest. Save them for after the baby is born. Every pregnancy and labor is different.
DO Ask if she needs help! With anything! I've had friends who were too high to notice that I was carrying 3 heavy bags up 2 flights of stairs. We do need a little bit of help every now and then, but if we have to ask you, you are already kind of an asshole.
DON'T Recall the details of your rager-of-a-party last night and how awesomely fucked-up you got. Remember, we gave up those vices in solidarity with our little one, so exercise some sensitivity, you lush. And that goes for baby-daddies too. My man is good enough to quit in support of me, so offering him a cig, a blunt, or a bottle of cognac because he's not with child isn't always a good look.
DO Be aware that we can still go to a club, a bar, or another social setting and enjoy ourselves *gasp* sober. Truth is, I like ordering a ginger ale, pretending to be wasted, and watching the rest of you embarrass yourselves with the firewater. Pregnant women should not be shunned to the margins of society because you feel self-conscious about being around someone who isn't as beligerrent as you are, or wish to be.
DON'T Light up in front of an obviously prego lady. In my case, my dude/homeboys will willingly shove that shit down your throat if you make us ask you to put it out, and don't comply.
DO Come to terms (no pun) with the fact that you will be having a baby...and that is the most wonderful thing in the world. No amount of denying, regret, fighting, shoulda woulda coulda is gonna change the fact that they are coming, so enjoy your pregnancy and give your labor good vibes. I'm lucky enough to have a partner who is so excited about the baby, he announces it on radio shows, at screaming audiences, even to unsuspecting strangers. But if you don't, there is enough love in this world to help you raise that baby without an ounce of hesitation. Mothers have been doing it since the beginning of time, and so can you.
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